There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
