Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
