I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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