Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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