You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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