I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
