where am i from again
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I just sharted jello shots
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