He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
