would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
