i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
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All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
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He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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