Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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