my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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