im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
