chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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