My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
