If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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