I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
