The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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