did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
