nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
