I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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