So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
