Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
