Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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