He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
