If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
