I am midnight drunk by noon
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize