I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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