my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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