i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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