1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She announced her abortion via fbk
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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