Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
