i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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