worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
