i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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