I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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