I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
