Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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