Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
