I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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