WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
