When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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