One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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