I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
