His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
