Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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