saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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