Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
