Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
