she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
