Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
