PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
