i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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