so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
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Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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