She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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