why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
