There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
