Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
