you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.