on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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