She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
