i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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