dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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