shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
