That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
